I’ve been rereading past blog posts, and talking about the nature of this blog lately. I’ve realised that this blog has become somewhat of a protracted whiny complaint about various things. Which led me to consider why I blog at all. And the reason is that I need to express the negativity that I think and feel. I need to express it all in order to sort it out and understand a bit better what is going on in this mixed up head of mine, and hopefully be able to expose the flaws in my reasoning so I can defeat it.
I’m feeling particularly down and negative today. My thinking is following tangents and going in directions that are alarmingly similar to the way I think when I’m depressed.
I’m sure it’s got a lot to do with extreme sleep deprivation – McBean has been up for much of the last two nights. It’s also got something to to do with our continued breastfeeding issues. Oh how I wish i could just let go and give it up. We saw Jenny the LC again yesterday and her advice went along pretty much the same lines as it always has – He’s not getting enough milk so we need to supplement. And that’s what is causing his fussiness at the breast and his reluctance to sleep during the day. She says he’s frustrated so won’t actually drain my milk even though my supply is better than it has ever been. All this has caused me to completely doubt myself again and not trust my instincts. I haven’t thought that he’s been hungry in any way recently. But apparently my instincts are wrong. So we’re trying a new thing – breast then bottle then breast again so that he associates feeling full and satisfied at the breast so that he will be more willing to actually perservere and put the effort into getting the milk out. It all just seems like extremely hard work to me. And my instincts (which are probably faulty anyway) say that if he’s full from the bottle he’s not going to want the breast. And that there’s no way I’m ever going to be able to provide as much milk in a feed as we are with a full breast feed plus 100ml of formula or EBM in the middle. So this feels like the beginning of the end. So I failed.
Getting back to failure and inadequacy. It’s a big theme of mine. To break it down and try and expose exactly what my brain is telling me:
- I’m failing at breastfeeding and I’m failing to give it up so that my son is adequately fed.
- I failed to maintain a career in the law because it was too hard.
- I failed to maintain family day care because it was too hard.
- I fail to have a real job.
- I fail to financially support my family.
- I fail to maintain good mental health.
- I fail to maintain a healthy body weight, eating habits and exercise.
- I fail to appropriately nurture my partner – she’s really sick right now and I just happen to fall apart and this is something I frequently do.
- I fail to have good instincts when it comes to McBean.
- I fail to maintain good friendships.
- I fail to maintain good relationships with my extended family.
- I fail to not wallow in ridiculous self pity and self incrimination for things that I know aren’t really true or accurate.
This is the way I think when I’m down so it’s no wonder I feel completely inadequate. And it’s all very circular.
Logically and rationally I can rebut every one of those statements. But it doesn’t stop me feeling that way. Logic and rationality have no hope in the face of this negativity.
I really think it’s time I went back to see Marianne.
I seem to have come away from the whole LC meeting yesterday with a different understanding of what the purpose of the bottle feeding was. Yes, its a breast bottle breast process (which is being hampered at the moment by McBean’s desire to poop every time he goes back on the breast – then we have the question of is his increased pooping because he’s now eating too much, or is it left over effects of the Rotavirus jab?).
BUT the purpose of the exercise to my understanding is to break McBean’s snack napping habit. At the moment Clark is having to feed McBean every 1 1/2 to 2 hours – he’s not giving her any breaks in the daytime (or in the night right now, but hopefully that’s because he’s caught Baba’s cold and nothing more long term). And that constant feeding is too draining, in more ways than one. And yet not draining enough – his small feeds are not completely removing the milk.
So, the purpose of the bottle feeding is to fill him right up, instead of just his little snacking habit, to that he has his play and then a good sleep, getting into good 3 month old routines. Hopefully he’ll learn to completely drain the breast and so the supply can grow with him.
That’s the theory.
Clark obviously didn’t get that out of it.
I also think it might be a good time for Clark to go back to Marianne, and I mentioned this the other day. She needs to hear negation of this sort of stuff from an outside source, what I say has little effect.
Hang in there! We are thinking about you…it’s just a really difficult process to be a mom to a newborn even when it’s not the first child in the house. I hope the new technique ends up working to bring him back to the breast full time.
Take it easy on yourself. You’re doing so well, please don’t be so hard on you. It’s great you’ve made it this far with the BF, good luck with the new technique and with working through all this stuff x x
it’s all such hard work, and we have such high expectations of ourselves, it’s to be expected that you might feel down. but you are doing well, really well.
Breastfeeding is wonderful but honestly it is one of the hardest things I’ve had to do. Sounds like your LC might be concerned that he’s not getting enough of the fattier ‘hind milk’, which would make sense with the frequent feeding and not enough sleeping. Doing both breast and bottle is time-consuming and it can be demoralising but if it’s only temporary hopefully it won’t have to spell the end. And if things don’t work out, you’ve done a great job to get this far. Honestly. Also I remember 3 months being quite an unsettled time for a bit – sleep patterns changing and all that. Hang in there!
so sorry you are in a bad place.
breast-feeding is so bloody hard and has such a global affect on life-boobs are made for milk making why don’t they just work?
(i am a little angry at mine that they didn’t even bother to get sore when turkey stopped feeding)
look after yourself.
I’m sorry its so hard. I’m having similar issues right now..my baby waking me up all the time to eat (but barely) I hope it gets better and you get some rest soon.