I forgot to mention something exciting that we did yesterday – a trip to Medicare. We have finally discovered that, despite the federal government’s refusal to recognise us a family, we can actually get a medicare card with all of our names on it. So we did. It was quite simple really. In the mail soon we’ll receive two little green cards with all of us listed. So no more stressing about Lazyboo not being able to take Princess to the doctor, less explaining about our family structure (the same last name helps – people just make assumptions!). I’m ignoring the fact that at the same time I had to sign a form confirming that Princess and I are the only members of our family for safety net purposes…. one step at a time.
It’s school holidays right now and while Princess has spent most of them elsewhere, she has been around for a day here and there, and each day with a friend over. We’ve been going different places and I am always surprised at the conversations that spring up in the car – it must be something to do with not actually looking at the kids. I’ll explain a few of the most interesting ones from this week:
1. Princess’ friend M asked ‘what’s the most scary thing that has ever happened to you?’ She and Princess swapped stories first. M went into great detail about a car accident she’d been in recently where her dad had lost control of the car after a tyre blew out and they swerved all over the road. Princess talked about how scared she had been when a spider dropped into the bath when she was relaxing in it. Then they asked me – I always wonder just what to do in such situations, whether to keep it light hearted or try and be honest and open with them. I opted for the latter this time and talked about depression and how scary that can be (in age appropriate terms of course!). Princess just listened and said, I’m glad you don’t feel like that anymore, Mum. And M described really quietly an uncle that has depression and how she hadn’t really known what it had meant. Depression is something that is a big part of my life. It’s something that is always there. And I really worry about the very real possibility, or even probability that it’s something that Princess may experience. I was glad for this opportunity to calmly and rationally talk about it with her.
2. This one was much more lighthearted but just as interesting. I was looking after the munchkins on Tuesday, and F’s big sister S came over to play with Princess after going to see a play about farting pirates (and that is an hour of my life i’m never going to get back!). R1 came to pick up Princess in the late afternoon (first time he’s EVER had her on the holidays! Amazing!) and in the car taking them home, the munchkins were asking me if Princess had gone home to her house with her Daddy. Keep in mind that these kids have been a big part of our lives for over 2 years now…. After explaining that Princess lives here with me and Lazyboo, and visits her Dad at his house regularly for the umpteenth time, F asked me why I don’t go home with R1 and Princess… so this led to another discussion about how Lazyboo (who they know and adore) is my wife and about our house being our home with Princess. S then started talking about how sad it must be for Princess that her mum and dad don’t live together. I countered with Princess’ view that she’s lucky to have two mums and a dad and a stepmum, and went into the whole spiel about how kids can have different families – a mum and a dad like they do, two mums and a dad like Princess, two dads (couldn’t point out any that she knows though), and then I talked about how WB will have two mums. S replied – ‘No Dad? But who did you mate with?’. Stifling the laughter at hearing such a thing from a tiny 7 year old, I explained that we had some help from a friend, but that I didn’t ‘mate’ with anyone, and that WB will not have a dad, but two mums, and how Lazyboo will be kind of like WB’s dad. This whole exchange just illustrated for me that years of exposure to a family like ours doesn’t necessarily override the assumptions that kids make. Like the munchkins somehow assuming that R1 and Princess and I all live together, like S assuming that all children have a mum and a dad. It also reminded me that some other little guys I used to look after somehow made the leap that Lazyboo was MY mum and that’s why she lived with us. That one certainly made us chuckle!
3. The last one was just with Princess, and was again about mums and dads. Lazyboo is going to be Baba to WB. (‘Baba’ is a term that has been coopted by many lesbian parents, and refers to a ‘lesbian dad’, something of a cross between a mum and a dad. LesbianDad describes this (and here too) so well.) She’s just not comfortable with any form of the ‘mother’ title and even the mothering role. She wants to parent but not be a mother. She’s long struggled with her role in Princess’ life – she is comfortable being her parent but not being called or even referred to as her ‘mother’, and we all agree that ‘stepmother’ really doesn’t reflect the reality of the situation. We’ve talked to Princess about how Lazyboo is WB’s Baba, and that she can be Princess’ Baba too. Princess prefers to continue to call her by her name though, but has been asking lots of questions and talking lots about it lately. The other day in the car she just seemed to make a leap – “So Lazyboo is WB’s Baba. She’s mine too, but I just call her Lazyboo!”
Those are some great stories! I love when you get a little glimpse into the brains of kids.